Getting All Reflective and Whatnot
I've been out of work now for four months now. I'm not any closer to getting a new job today than I was when I was laid off. I've had a couple of articles printed in The Oregonian and one voiceover job since May. And of course I'm freaking out about money. But this isn't a pity party where I get all boo-hooey.
Here's the thing: I need to chill on myself. I haven't allowed myself to relax or anything in the last four months. I haven't cut myself any slack or given myself any pep talks or told myself things are sure to get better. Instead, I have worried myself nearly into a ulcer. I have mentally beaten myself up more times than I can count. I have blamed myself and bargained with whatever being exists to fix this all and make it better.
Yeah, I'm not doing that anymore. That shit stops now. I didn't do anything wrong. Therefore, I have to stop punishing myself.
From now on, I'm going to sit back and allow things to come without trying to force them to happen. I'm going to stop waking up with knots in my stomach just because I am not going to work. There will be no more trying to mentally solve every ill in my life as I try to fall asleep at night. I will no longer visualize myself living in my car and image myself on a nice beach somewhere instead. If I feel like hiding from the world for a day with a crappy chick flick and a bag of Baked Lay's, I'm gonna (actually, I kinda already did). If I want to see a movie all by myself instead of working on the YA novel I've got cooking (which is actually going well), I will do it. It's okay for me to care of my mental health, because I sure as hell am gonna need it.
I lost my job. It's happening all over. I'm not unique. I'm like anyone else: scared and worried and certain that a career of waiting tables is just around the corner. But I can't let that be my every waking thought anymore; I'll make myself sick (which would be really bad, because I don't have health insurance at the moment....). Taking care of myself means I'll be able to take care of everything else. And the karmic clustereff that is my life might just smooth itself out, as long as I can remember to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative.
Or, to quote from a completely different kind of song: It's no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy. But I need to be my own best friend.
Here's the thing: I need to chill on myself. I haven't allowed myself to relax or anything in the last four months. I haven't cut myself any slack or given myself any pep talks or told myself things are sure to get better. Instead, I have worried myself nearly into a ulcer. I have mentally beaten myself up more times than I can count. I have blamed myself and bargained with whatever being exists to fix this all and make it better.
Yeah, I'm not doing that anymore. That shit stops now. I didn't do anything wrong. Therefore, I have to stop punishing myself.
From now on, I'm going to sit back and allow things to come without trying to force them to happen. I'm going to stop waking up with knots in my stomach just because I am not going to work. There will be no more trying to mentally solve every ill in my life as I try to fall asleep at night. I will no longer visualize myself living in my car and image myself on a nice beach somewhere instead. If I feel like hiding from the world for a day with a crappy chick flick and a bag of Baked Lay's, I'm gonna (actually, I kinda already did). If I want to see a movie all by myself instead of working on the YA novel I've got cooking (which is actually going well), I will do it. It's okay for me to care of my mental health, because I sure as hell am gonna need it.
I lost my job. It's happening all over. I'm not unique. I'm like anyone else: scared and worried and certain that a career of waiting tables is just around the corner. But I can't let that be my every waking thought anymore; I'll make myself sick (which would be really bad, because I don't have health insurance at the moment....). Taking care of myself means I'll be able to take care of everything else. And the karmic clustereff that is my life might just smooth itself out, as long as I can remember to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative.
Or, to quote from a completely different kind of song: It's no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy. But I need to be my own best friend.
The fact that you quoted Lit makes me LOL. I think giving yourself a break is a good thing.
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How about you print this and have it air dropped in all 50 states? Good job on getting a handle that beating oneself up is not only unproductive, it's so unhealthy. You are right on point and I hope that your thoughts help the close to 10% of our population in the same, very crowded boat.
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Okay, you and I are totally together on this one. I was in tears yesterday thinking of all the ways I've disappointed my parents. And that I'm a horrible person because I'm a single mom and still trying to get it all together. Totally beating myself up. It's ridiculous. I'm going to watch a sad movie and eat potato chips too.
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Even though it's beautiful outside today, I've been feeling discouraged (yet again) about being out of work. Thanks for the reminder to chill. I'm going to enjoy my kiddo, the Bleach reissue and feel grateful that I have a place to live.
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