It's So Easy to Hate on "Twilight"...
So I'm gonna.
I am writing this blog on the day "New Moon" opens. Screenings started at midnight. Local radio stations covered the SIX AM SHOWING. SIX.A.M. Oh, and 6:01AM. And 7AM. And 10AM. Ad nauseum.
Mothers are letting their kids miss school. FOR A MOVIE. I checked, and it's not just playing today. Seriously! It'll be around in theaters for at least a few weeks, what's the rush?
I kid, I kid. But I'm not kidding when I say that all those "Twilight" Moms need somewhat of a reality check here.
I don't begrudge the little tween girls who are crushing over Robert Pattinson. That's what being a tween girl is all about. You hang pictures of pretty, non-threatening boys on your wall and you think about getting your first kiss from those sweet, sweet lips. In my day, it was Matt Dillon and John Taylor from Duran Duran. So it's not like I don't get the whole substitute boyfriend thing. Robert/Edward will be a mental stand-in for these girls until they get a real-life boyfriend. And then the crush will fade. In theory.
What I don't get, however, is grown women, MARRIED women, who shriek and scream over this not-a-boy-not-quite-yet-a-man. I've got eyes, I can see how pretty he is. And were I younger and single, I might just get a case of the moony eyes over him. However, he is a 23 year old man-child who is portraying a teenager. Grown women should leave this to their daughters, yeah?
And what of their poor husbands? Could there be anything more emasculating for a man than hearing their wives go on and on about Edward Cullen, who isn't even real? The books came first, folks. They were a huge success before young Mr. Pattinson got the call to play Edward. So these women were already swooning over this ideal, albeit fictitious, man; one who would love them for all of eternity and protect them even from afar. This is barely a step up from Harlequin Romances here, Mr. Darcy-as-teen-vampire. Combine this idealized version of a man (who is actually controlling, rather than loyal; who actually keeps his love at arms' length and therefore keeps it pure and chaste) with the casting of a young, handsome actor, and POOF! You've got yourself the perfect storm of delusional crushes. I've started joking that these husbands should simply go out and buy something they've always wanted, but have been denied. Then, when the wives complain, the men can simply retort: "Edward.Fucking.Cullen." The women will have nothing.
Now, before you accuse me of casting stones, I totally cop to my crush on Dave Grohl from some years back. Of course, we're the same age, but setting that aside: I was indeed married, and he was indeed (for me) an idealized version of what I thought the perfect man should be, a substitute for the reality that was making me so unhappy. I didn't realize it then, but it was crystal clear to me once I left that marriage. Now that I'm in a healthy, loving relationship, the idea of crushing to the point where I'm standing outside in the rain to catch a mere glimpse of someone famous is utterly and completely ridiculous to me.
I would suggest to these Married Twilight Moms that they take a good look at the reasons why they're reacting to this boy the way they are. Is there something lacking in your marriage? Then figure out what it is, and get to work on it. Do you wish your man acted more like Edward? Well, he's not going to, but maybe you can tell him what it is you need from him, rather than say, "EDWARD would have remembered to pick up BELLA'S dry cleaning!" I've heard plenty of these women say, "Oh, my husband is fine with it!" Yeah, he's really not. Maybe you should look into how he's occupying his time while you're making scrapbooks of the Forks High School prom.
All I'm saying is: these movies are entertainment, not an alternate reality to mentally visit anytime life gets too crappy for you. Edward is not coming to your bedroom window to save you. He can't protect you from all the Bads in life. But the man in the bed next to you is actually doing that for you already, in the best way he knows how. So how about squealing over him for once? He might actually surprise you with some real-life stuff that's worth writing about.
I am writing this blog on the day "New Moon" opens. Screenings started at midnight. Local radio stations covered the SIX AM SHOWING. SIX.A.M. Oh, and 6:01AM. And 7AM. And 10AM. Ad nauseum.
Mothers are letting their kids miss school. FOR A MOVIE. I checked, and it's not just playing today. Seriously! It'll be around in theaters for at least a few weeks, what's the rush?
I kid, I kid. But I'm not kidding when I say that all those "Twilight" Moms need somewhat of a reality check here.
I don't begrudge the little tween girls who are crushing over Robert Pattinson. That's what being a tween girl is all about. You hang pictures of pretty, non-threatening boys on your wall and you think about getting your first kiss from those sweet, sweet lips. In my day, it was Matt Dillon and John Taylor from Duran Duran. So it's not like I don't get the whole substitute boyfriend thing. Robert/Edward will be a mental stand-in for these girls until they get a real-life boyfriend. And then the crush will fade. In theory.
What I don't get, however, is grown women, MARRIED women, who shriek and scream over this not-a-boy-not-quite-yet-a-man. I've got eyes, I can see how pretty he is. And were I younger and single, I might just get a case of the moony eyes over him. However, he is a 23 year old man-child who is portraying a teenager. Grown women should leave this to their daughters, yeah?
And what of their poor husbands? Could there be anything more emasculating for a man than hearing their wives go on and on about Edward Cullen, who isn't even real? The books came first, folks. They were a huge success before young Mr. Pattinson got the call to play Edward. So these women were already swooning over this ideal, albeit fictitious, man; one who would love them for all of eternity and protect them even from afar. This is barely a step up from Harlequin Romances here, Mr. Darcy-as-teen-vampire. Combine this idealized version of a man (who is actually controlling, rather than loyal; who actually keeps his love at arms' length and therefore keeps it pure and chaste) with the casting of a young, handsome actor, and POOF! You've got yourself the perfect storm of delusional crushes. I've started joking that these husbands should simply go out and buy something they've always wanted, but have been denied. Then, when the wives complain, the men can simply retort: "Edward.Fucking.Cullen." The women will have nothing.
Now, before you accuse me of casting stones, I totally cop to my crush on Dave Grohl from some years back. Of course, we're the same age, but setting that aside: I was indeed married, and he was indeed (for me) an idealized version of what I thought the perfect man should be, a substitute for the reality that was making me so unhappy. I didn't realize it then, but it was crystal clear to me once I left that marriage. Now that I'm in a healthy, loving relationship, the idea of crushing to the point where I'm standing outside in the rain to catch a mere glimpse of someone famous is utterly and completely ridiculous to me.
I would suggest to these Married Twilight Moms that they take a good look at the reasons why they're reacting to this boy the way they are. Is there something lacking in your marriage? Then figure out what it is, and get to work on it. Do you wish your man acted more like Edward? Well, he's not going to, but maybe you can tell him what it is you need from him, rather than say, "EDWARD would have remembered to pick up BELLA'S dry cleaning!" I've heard plenty of these women say, "Oh, my husband is fine with it!" Yeah, he's really not. Maybe you should look into how he's occupying his time while you're making scrapbooks of the Forks High School prom.
All I'm saying is: these movies are entertainment, not an alternate reality to mentally visit anytime life gets too crappy for you. Edward is not coming to your bedroom window to save you. He can't protect you from all the Bads in life. But the man in the bed next to you is actually doing that for you already, in the best way he knows how. So how about squealing over him for once? He might actually surprise you with some real-life stuff that's worth writing about.
Humph. I'm not even married or in a relationship, but I beat the Christmas rush and lit up my disdain for all things TWILIGHT awhile back now. I can't prove any of this, but I'm paranoid that somehow all the gazillions of dollars these TWILIGHT books and movies are raking in is being tithed by the author to her Mormon church overlords at a rate far above the congregant minimum, and hence, funding the oppression of gay people (if you're lost, see "California PROP. 8, LDS church bankrolling of").
So BAH HUMBUG, I say, to their tween-ified, watered-down, Harry-Potter-as-written-by-Anne-Rice-if-Anne-Rice-were-Mormon, vampire-lite softsoap. 'f'ya ask me, TWILIGHT is a movie where grandfatherly Paul Newman has the hots for grandfatherly James Garner's milf-y wife Susan Sarandon. And "Bella" does not signify your tweening tween heroine -- Bella is my freaking DOG, and she existed long before some chick in Utah got her idea for her "Nancy Drew with Vampires" books. And, she's a million times cooler. If you met her you'd agree.
And yeah, squealing TWILIGHT moms, take a hint from Tara and get a hold of yourselves for chrissakes. If you want to revert to acting like you're 13, just know that your doing so is no more acceptable and no cuter than men are when *they* revert to acting like they're 13. Try THAT on for size.
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