A Regular Person's Take On the Oscars
I'm not a film critic. I don't host a TV show. No one pays me to air my opinion about movies. But when all the pros complain about the state of film and how bad the Oscars are, no one in the industry pays attention. They just keep rolling out the crap. So I might as well throw in my own opinion. Because, unlike the people who review films, I pay for the movies I see. And as a person currently living off unemployment, I have to be super choosy with where my meager entertainment dollar goes. I've managed to see only a handful of the nominated films, and I purposely avoided "Avatar" (and will continue to do so).
However, I did see "The Hurt Locker", at a special screening at the Portland Women's Film Festival where Kathryn Bigelow was in attendance. And even then, in the months B.A. (Before Avatar), I predicted this film would go a long way. I knew it would be lauded come Oscar time, and when Ms. Bigelow was nominated, I knew she would win.
So I watched the telecast, as I have every year since I can remember. I recall the glory years when Johnny Carson hosted, and it felt like a great big cocktail party. Then there was Billy Crystal, the best host in recent memory. This year's show had to be one of the worst I've ever seen, which was a sincere disappointment. It was promised to be the best ever, and...NOT. In the past decade, the Oscar broadcast has become a running joke in the industry, because it's too long and it's too boring and everyone's always coming up with ways to make it better.
This is where I come in.
As a veteran of more than (I hate to say) three decades of Oscar-watchin', I have come up with a list of suggestions for next year's Oscar producers. I'm the one you want to please, the person who's sitting in their yoga pants on the couch, eating Oatmeal Squares out of the box (this may or may not be a rhetorical setup). Here's how you make the show worth watching again.
1. One Host to Rule Them All. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin should have KILLED together. Instead, their patter was awkward and mostly unfunny. They were better when presenting separately. And I think this year will make everyone pine even more for Billy Crystal and his outrageously hilarious medleys and film montages. Bring him back. This show needs a solid leader who can keep it moving.
2. Keep The Clips to a Minimum. Speaking of montages, enough already. Yes, you're the Oscars, we already know you're there to honor the movies. But it's time to quit patting yourselves on the back with this kind of filler. The salute to horror films was a waste of time and editing. Films not really in the horror genre were shown ("Marathon Man"?), and the fact that the Leprechaun from "Leprechaun" was shown on the Oscars makes my stomach hurt. The only montage we want to see is the In Memoriam reel, aka The Dead People Montage. And this year, Farrah Fawcett was left out, which is an embarassing oversight for the Academy.
3. No Dancing. Ever. This isn't the Grammys or "So You Think You Can Dance to Film Scores". The Oscars did us a solid this year by sparing us the usually unbearable live performances of the nominated songs by showing a quick clip reel. Why couldn't they do the same with the Best Score nominees? Now whenever I see Jeremy Renner, I'm going to think of him having to watch a dancer do the Robot in a "Hurt Locker" dance sequence. You might as well call that sequence The Bathroom Break.
4. Pare Down the Broadcast Categories. I realize the mother of the guy who won Best Documentary Short Subject is kvelling somewhere, but the harsh truth is that a hearty portion of the viewing audience couldn't care less. They want the meat. They want the big categories. They don't want to have to sit through a guy muttering his way through a list of thank yous. If you want people to watch the show in its entirety, these are the categories they care about:
Best Picture
Best Director
Best Actor
Best Actress
Best Supporting Actor
Best Supporting Actress
A smaller portion of the viewers will care about costumes and sets and sound effects editing. Perhaps those categories could be awarded earlier, and broadcast on ABC Family. Then, once we hit the prime time, you go live on ABC at 9pm, and pack those six categories into a tight, 2-hour broadcast. That way, when it's getting to the point where your eyes are rolling back in your head because it's so late and you just want to see WHO WINS ALREADY, the sight of five different actors coming out on stage to honor the acting nominess won't make you want to throw your glass of HI-C at the screen.
4. Hire Smart People for the Pre-Show Coverage. It's clear Kathy Ireland was fresh off the Fembot assembly line when 'interviewing' the nominees she cornered. Why not get actual movie buffs to host your pre-game, so that their questions aren't innocuous and condescending? They may not be as telegenic, but these actors see pretty people all the damn time. Get someone who knows something about film to ask the questions next year. PLEASE.
5. Get More Civilians Involved. The biggest joke about the Oscars is that it's like the high school prom, only everyone is rich and pretty. We get to watch the insiders' party, but without us little people, there wouldn't be all that money going around to make their movies. The emotional connection isn't there, because most of us don't know what it's like to wear fancy gowns and ride in limos and get to find out what George Clooney smells like. Next year, let some non-industry people come on board to live-blog the show from a non-jaded perspective. Or have a contest to have a movie fan stand on the red carpet and do interviews. Make it more interactive with handheld audience cameras. Basically, I just want a way in, and those are some cool ideas.
It's supposed to be a FUN show, and right now, it's kind of like being forced to go to your grandmother's funeral. I got more laughs off my Twitter feed than from the actual show. I doubt that's what the show producers were going for. It's time for the Oscars to catch up with its audience...whatever's left of it, that is.
However, I did see "The Hurt Locker", at a special screening at the Portland Women's Film Festival where Kathryn Bigelow was in attendance. And even then, in the months B.A. (Before Avatar), I predicted this film would go a long way. I knew it would be lauded come Oscar time, and when Ms. Bigelow was nominated, I knew she would win.
So I watched the telecast, as I have every year since I can remember. I recall the glory years when Johnny Carson hosted, and it felt like a great big cocktail party. Then there was Billy Crystal, the best host in recent memory. This year's show had to be one of the worst I've ever seen, which was a sincere disappointment. It was promised to be the best ever, and...NOT. In the past decade, the Oscar broadcast has become a running joke in the industry, because it's too long and it's too boring and everyone's always coming up with ways to make it better.
This is where I come in.
As a veteran of more than (I hate to say) three decades of Oscar-watchin', I have come up with a list of suggestions for next year's Oscar producers. I'm the one you want to please, the person who's sitting in their yoga pants on the couch, eating Oatmeal Squares out of the box (this may or may not be a rhetorical setup). Here's how you make the show worth watching again.
1. One Host to Rule Them All. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin should have KILLED together. Instead, their patter was awkward and mostly unfunny. They were better when presenting separately. And I think this year will make everyone pine even more for Billy Crystal and his outrageously hilarious medleys and film montages. Bring him back. This show needs a solid leader who can keep it moving.
2. Keep The Clips to a Minimum. Speaking of montages, enough already. Yes, you're the Oscars, we already know you're there to honor the movies. But it's time to quit patting yourselves on the back with this kind of filler. The salute to horror films was a waste of time and editing. Films not really in the horror genre were shown ("Marathon Man"?), and the fact that the Leprechaun from "Leprechaun" was shown on the Oscars makes my stomach hurt. The only montage we want to see is the In Memoriam reel, aka The Dead People Montage. And this year, Farrah Fawcett was left out, which is an embarassing oversight for the Academy.
3. No Dancing. Ever. This isn't the Grammys or "So You Think You Can Dance to Film Scores". The Oscars did us a solid this year by sparing us the usually unbearable live performances of the nominated songs by showing a quick clip reel. Why couldn't they do the same with the Best Score nominees? Now whenever I see Jeremy Renner, I'm going to think of him having to watch a dancer do the Robot in a "Hurt Locker" dance sequence. You might as well call that sequence The Bathroom Break.
4. Pare Down the Broadcast Categories. I realize the mother of the guy who won Best Documentary Short Subject is kvelling somewhere, but the harsh truth is that a hearty portion of the viewing audience couldn't care less. They want the meat. They want the big categories. They don't want to have to sit through a guy muttering his way through a list of thank yous. If you want people to watch the show in its entirety, these are the categories they care about:
Best Picture
Best Director
Best Actor
Best Actress
Best Supporting Actor
Best Supporting Actress
A smaller portion of the viewers will care about costumes and sets and sound effects editing. Perhaps those categories could be awarded earlier, and broadcast on ABC Family. Then, once we hit the prime time, you go live on ABC at 9pm, and pack those six categories into a tight, 2-hour broadcast. That way, when it's getting to the point where your eyes are rolling back in your head because it's so late and you just want to see WHO WINS ALREADY, the sight of five different actors coming out on stage to honor the acting nominess won't make you want to throw your glass of HI-C at the screen.
4. Hire Smart People for the Pre-Show Coverage. It's clear Kathy Ireland was fresh off the Fembot assembly line when 'interviewing' the nominees she cornered. Why not get actual movie buffs to host your pre-game, so that their questions aren't innocuous and condescending? They may not be as telegenic, but these actors see pretty people all the damn time. Get someone who knows something about film to ask the questions next year. PLEASE.
5. Get More Civilians Involved. The biggest joke about the Oscars is that it's like the high school prom, only everyone is rich and pretty. We get to watch the insiders' party, but without us little people, there wouldn't be all that money going around to make their movies. The emotional connection isn't there, because most of us don't know what it's like to wear fancy gowns and ride in limos and get to find out what George Clooney smells like. Next year, let some non-industry people come on board to live-blog the show from a non-jaded perspective. Or have a contest to have a movie fan stand on the red carpet and do interviews. Make it more interactive with handheld audience cameras. Basically, I just want a way in, and those are some cool ideas.
It's supposed to be a FUN show, and right now, it's kind of like being forced to go to your grandmother's funeral. I got more laughs off my Twitter feed than from the actual show. I doubt that's what the show producers were going for. It's time for the Oscars to catch up with its audience...whatever's left of it, that is.
A very witty, funny and entertaining piece of journalism! Tara, your ability to get to the heart of the matter in a direct and funny way is a gift. You have a great sense of humor, and I believe you should be one of the live-bloggers chosen for next year's Oscars.
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Hear! Hear! I totally agree with Shaun. A fresh voice commenting on our current culture would be very welcome, especially one as smart and insightful as Tara's. Who do we write to on this?????
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I usually agree with 95% of what you say - but I totally disagree on much of this...
#1 - Agreed!
#2 - more clips, not less... we'd rather see clips demonstrating good cinematography and why we love movies rather than the 5 for 5 speeches about the Best Actor/Actress category... and the John Hughes and horror montages were fun. Once the creepy Twilight kids were off-stage it was my second favorite moment...
#3 ...speaking of favorite moments - more dancing! That was one of the best parts of the entire broadcast...the music is a HUGE part of the movies and this was a great way to showcase them.
#4 - our house loves the documentary, short film, foreign, animated awards - it helps me remember why I love those movies and reminds me to make sure I pay attention to them, not just the biggies.
other #4 - didn't watch the pre-show..
#5 - NO! That's like when local news does the "this is how this national/international show relates to our town" angle – even when the tie-in is just a tiny little thread... nothing sounds more appalling than some fan-boy doing awkward interviews on the red carpet! I did love following my Twitter feed with all the snark and jokes, and in addition to folks like Roger Ebert – having one actual friend who was there and tweeting was pretty cool - but that needs to stay online. The show should be glitzy famous people we've never met and never will - that's what the Oscars are...otherwise it's just the MTV Awards...
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Hear, hear, Tara. I got no problem with any of your suggestions. Unfortunately, I also got no power over producing the Oscars.
Farrah Fawcett was a TV actress. She showed up in a *few* movies... a very few. She was only in as many movies as... er, Michael Jackson. Who was featured rather prominently in the I See Dead People slideshow. Maybe in the afterlife, Farrah has long since made peace with being overshadowed by Michael Jackson.
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